welcome to my soul

I have a problem.
I am sort of afraid of alcohol.
I have actually been drunk once too, or at least quite tipsy, and enjoyed the experience, the release of inhibitions. But the idea of going to a party where everyone will be drinking just freaks me out.
Which of course isn't good, since the main recreational activity of people my age seems to be drinking. And also there is a party on Friday that seems to be all about drinking which I have to go to or people will be pissed.

And it should be a fun party too! I just... I feel so nervous about it. I don't even know why! This fear is mostly irrational. I can see getting annoyed at drunk people, because they act stupid most of the time, but nope: I fear.
I don't think I should not go, just because I am scared. I will get to see lots of my friends who I haven't had a chance to hang out with.
I just wish the party would be "lets all watch the stars, play board games, and have deep discussions about our lives and the state of the world." Not "lets all get really drunk and laugh at stupid things!"

What is my deal?
Dare I say it? HAAALP!
Do I go? Do I not go? It's not as if I can just drive myself home if I don't like it, since I don't drive and its 40 minutes away so no one would come pick me up.
Bah, I don't know. My idea to get soda for the non-drinkers was even scoffed at.

I've made the decision to come home early. Not terribly early, only about 2 weeks. Amy is coming the first of May, and she's staying for a few days, so I will probably fly out of here on the 7th or 8th, be home in time for my birthday.

It's time. I feel ready. I love Ireland, but without Mikal, it will be an awfully lonely place. My meditation plan didn't pan out here, and there are plenty of places I can take meditation classes back home (including meditative knitting!) Also, I can actually start working out when I get home. Lauren and I are going to take yoga, I can go swimming with my mommy. It'll be great!
Plus I just miss Heather. Really a lot. It's time for me to see my sister again. End of story.

So yep! When the plans are finalized more, I will let you know. I'll miss the people I met here (or maybe just Ronan and Kicki) but I hardly saw them anyway. Kicki was too busy for me, and Ronan lived too far away.
I feel good about this.

I'm a bit bummed, because it was supposed to be Ariel and Mikal day today, except Mikal isn't home yet from Adrian's, and it's already 2:00. There is also this house party that a friend of Adrian's is having. Well, sort of Mikal and Adrian and his friend. They're all co-hosting. I've been invited, and Mikal really wants me to go. I just... I don't like beer pong! I don't like drinking games! ESPECIALLY not in a room of people I don't know/am not comfortable with.
I feel sort of bad, since it'll be one of the last times to see Mikal, but at the same time, I feel really uncomfortable about it.
I won't go. I needed to justify it to myself, and I just did. Excellent. I can read, or write, or watch Caprica or something else equally as awesome. Because nerdiness >>> drinking.

I'm going to start posting icons at the bottom of my posts. Cause its fun. And I love icons.

Yesterday was all right. Max's gameshow. Parts of it were fun. I came in second place, though only, I suspect, because no one chose to eliminate me, and I didn't play many games.

There were times when I felt totally and completely awkward. In the presence of people I have known since high school, and some even elementary school, but all I wanted to do was go home. It was very disconcerting, and I'm not entirely sure the cause.

Either way, its over now. I started playing the game Max got me for my birthday, Lost in Blue, and its actually really fun! I think I'll play it some more, and sort of hide up here.

Doctor Who later!