I went into this hearing it was bad, but going okay, I love disaster movies, so maybe I'll be okay.
The first half: I don't really know what happened. I watched 15 mintues of it, thought it was crap, and decided to fast forward to the part where the volcano errupted.
Once the volcano errupted: Really, it was shit. They spent more time slow-mowing Kit Harington on a horse than they did anything with the volcano. Lots of things fell from the sky, a tidal wave happened (that was kind of cool), the pyroclastic flow killed everyone. Only none of it was cool. it was just cheesy. They took a perfectly good volcano, and made it dumb. They made it a stupid love story that had no foundation, with a woman whose face appeared to be more silicon than actual facial muscles, and a dude who, admittedly, looks really good with his shirt off.
Can we talk about the part where a fucking volcano is errupting, and I can't actually remember the girl's name becuase she's that stupid walked VERY FUCKING SLOWLY over to where the bodies of her parents are? And Kit H. just lets her? Not that there is a time crunch or anything. Oh no.
Or the bit at the end where their bodies were captured perfectly in ash, kissing? Nope. They would have been blown off their feet by the force of the wind. (I think. I feel like that sounds scientific. If that wind flattens trees, it's not going to leave two lovers standing, I don't care how great their hair is.)
Good points: -Kiefer Sutherland. He's just awesome in anything. -Kit Harington's beautiful man muscles and floppy hair. -the soundtrack -literally nothing else.
My thought upon finishing the film was "way to horribly ruin what was one of the most horrific disasters in human history, assholes." I'm going to watch a Nova volcano documentary now and pout.
Whenever I tell people, I am a librarian, I get three responses.
1) That's nice. (And they mean it. I genuinely like these people.)
2) You're a librarian? (And the boredom is conveyed in their voices. As if to say why would you choose to spend your life in a library? Why would you want to work around books? Your job is boring. This is often equated with my favorite school response "you have to go to school to become a librarian?" as if being a librarian really isn't that hard, and you shouldn't need a master's degree to really pursue it.)
3) So you're a sexy librarian, huh? (This is a twofer. 25% of the time, it's someone I like, so I can laugh and say "hell yes!" because knowledge is sexy, and being a librarian IS a sexy job, in my opinion. 75% of the time it's the people with the stereotypes in their heads, people who I don't know well, and then it just comes off as creepy and lecherous. Not all librarians wear enormous horn rimmed glasses and short little skirts, and want you to bend them over a stack of books. And even if they did? Still not your god damn place to be a creepo.)
I am damn proud to be a librarian. I fucking love my job. And I'm proud of all the hard work and schooling it took to get me here. So when someone tells you they are a librarian? The correct response is: "Let me bow at your feet and treat you like the god damn queen you are." (Or king. Kings too.)
Depression is an issue we are all not supposed to talk about. It's taboo. We're supposed to keep it inside and fight it quietly with medication and not tell people because *gasp!* they might think us somehow less of a person.
Except I hardly know a person anymore who hasn't struggled with depression or anxiety at some point in their lives. Many are still in a constant battle with it. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna talk about it. Because I can. Because it's a part of who I am. Because I am fabulous and beautiful and a mother fucking ray of sunshine, and also, I struggle with depression and anxiety.
Here we go.
I've been off my meds for about a week. I waited until the last possible minute to refil them, and then oops, the insurance company had some issue, so I had to wait more, and then resubmit my stuff. Then it went to the wrong Walgreens. It's okay. Shit happens. Except when depression starts to creep in, subtly, as it sometimes does, things that are normally little, those everyday things that go wrong, suddenly turn into really big things. The fact that my meds weren't at the proper Walgreens through me off my game so much I went home, instead of using my phone to figure out where the proper one was and picking it up.
It wasn't a huge deal. I was a bit off, but things weren't bad. Then I ran out of money. And when I say ran out, I literally mean I ran out. Credit card is maxed out, bank account has $2.25 in it, no savings to speak of. There are bills coming up. The rent is paid for this month, but a huge chunk of my next paycheck is going to rent. And bills. And groceries. And all those things I wasn't able to do this paycheck, because I let my vanity get the best of me and paid a lot for a haircut on top of car payments. Now I'm left looking down this tunnel of endlessly playing catchup on bills and rent and car payments and groceries and general finances, and never having any money. I wanted to go to Mexio with Sister when we turn 30. I wanted to go on a roadtrip with Cirien this summer. Those are not going to happen now.
But I don't think about it. I push it to the back of my mind. Travel is for other people, at least for now, I have things to take care of. And all the while, the depression & anxiety is getting worse. I wake up in the middle of the night, panicking about finances. I start sobbing in my car because the ice on my windshield is hard to scrape off. I freak out unreasonably about presentations I have to give at work, even though they really aren't a big deal.
Tonight, I went to bed in a mild state of panic, because I realized I only have 2 days worth of cat food left, and 5 days before I can buy more. I woke up in the middle of the night, full blown nutso, because I feel like I am a bad mommy. I don't really care about myself and food. I can live off rice and pasta and canned beans for 4 days. It won't kill me. Kanye can't. So what do I do? Do foodshelves have cat food? I could make my own cat food, but I have no meat or veggies to speak of, and I don't think cats do well on rice and tilapia. So I sat on Tumblr for an hour, trying to distract myself, failing. Decided a bath was in order. Hysterical breakdown as I fill up the tub results in me crying when the water was too hot. What? Seriously? The water is too hot. Just turn the faucet down a smidge, let it keep filling, you'll be fine. But that's not how it works when the depression and anxiety are there.
I finally make it into the tub, light my trashy-romance-novel-scented candle, let the tears stop. Kanye jumps on the rim of the tub, and it cheers me up and calms me down enough to think "hmmm, let's blog about this."
And here we are. So where do we go from here? This is the battle plan I came up with in the tub. (Isn't it amazing, the curative powers of a well-timed bath?) It isn't perfect, but it's going to work for me.
1) Tomorrow morning, begin taking meds again. They will take a few days to kick back into effect, but that's okay.
2) Go to work. Do not panic and call in sick. It's easy to want to do, but the truth is, my entire St Cloud support network works with me. And even on the worst days of work, there has been at least one thing that has made me grin like an idiot. So work is a good place to be. Good people. Friends. Interesting patrons to tell stories about later. Occasionally someone will bring in chocolate. Go to work every day.
3) Distract myself. I know I'm supposed to "face my fears" and "not hide" when it comes to depression. And usually yes, I would agree with that. But I think these latest shenanigans are the result mostly of a lack of medicine, which will start working again in a few days. If I can get through the next few days, things will look brighter. So I will play video games. Read books. Watch more of the West Wing. Go out with friends. Do all the things I do when I want to retreat, because it will take my mind off the things that haunt me long enough for medical backup to arrive.
4) Keep in touch. Call Sister a lot. Call the parents a lot. Make sure I chat with friends every day. I am very lucky to have such a great support network, and though most of them are down in the cities, a few of them are up here. Talking with people makes me happy. That will give me at least one reason to smile every day, and that's a good thing.
5) Remind myself that my depression and anxiety is not a failing on my part, it's just a weird biological thing, and I will get past it. Every day I make it through is another day I can claim in victory for myself. Every day I get through with a smile on my face is a party. I need to remember to celebrate the victories. All of them. Helped a patron today? Check. Kicked a boss's ass in Fallout? Boom. Made a delicious meal? Well done me.
I will make it through this. Not just the depression and the anxiety, but the financial troubles. The always being single. The awkwardness and fear of moving to a new place. Some day, I know I will look back on it and think "Oh, silly Ariel, if you only knew what lay ahead of you." I believe this with everything in me; that things will improve, and I won't be alone forever, and someday I'll get a handle on these pesky finances.
It's just a matter of taking it one day at a time. This week is healing. Distracting myself so that I don't get swallowed up by the panic. Taking care of myself. I can worry about next week's problems next week.
I started this at like 3:15 am, and should probably try and fall back asleep now. I had a hella long work day yesterday, and can definitely use the sleep.
Thanks all for listening, and for being here for me. If you're reading this, it means you care, and that means I love you. So thanks.
"Nevah. Nevah. Nevah. Give up." -Winston Churchill (as quoted by my dad)
Ready for random lists? It's a random lists kind of night.
Things I am craving:
-donuts -pizza -soda -tacos from Acapulco -sister hugs -Chinese food
Things I am doing right now:
-Watching The West Wing. (Bartlet for President!) -Chickend out while playing Fallout: New Vegas. (Vaults are scary. Don't judge.) -Loving the hell out of my couch -Will probably get a glass of water soon. -Wondering when Josh and Donna will have adorable babies. (Hurry up already, guys. It's season 4 already.)
Things that are awesome:
-I kicked ass on my first solo genealogy presentation today. -I still have some ice cream left. -It's 30 degrees outside. -My cat is super adorable, guys. I now like him more than I like most people.
I won't even touch on things that aren't awesome because you know what? I'm having a good night. Let's leave it at that. In the far off state of Arizona, one of my best friends is starting a new life, and I miss her so so bad. But I'm glad she is spreading her wings and being amazing (like always) and I'm so proud of her. Also, we are planning a fabulous roadtrip for hopefully soonish whenever I manage to get my finances together. Which will be hopefully before the end of 2015.
Okay, I need to get some water now. And then I'm going to stretch out on my fabulous couch, and I'm going to relax. Good night, lovelies.
A lot of people have been giving the latest Hobbit film, Battle of Five Armies, a bad review. I'll admit. It was not as good as the first two. Not by a long shot. But overall, I liked it. Here are my thoughts.
[spoilers abound, dear readers]-5 armies? Men, orcs, dwarves, elves. Who was the fifth one? Smaug? Did I miss something? (the answer is probably really obvious. like "galadriel was her own mother fuckin army" or "you forgot about [blankity blank] Ariel.")
-The whole entire movie was made worth it because BATTLE PIGS, GUYS! BATTLE PIGS!
-Also, a battle moose.
-Everything Thandruill did was perfection. Like walk around, swish his hair, make sweeping statements. The time he whipped out his sword and the sheath and went to town on like 40 orcs.
-`Galadriel was THE BEST. Especially where she picked up Gandalf like he was nothing and carried him. And then totally kicked Sauron's ass.
- I think Tauriel and Killi are adorable, haters. I was only disappointed that all we got were a few awkward glances and some crying. But come on. How can Aiden Turner NOT have a romantic part? Those eyes? Damn, I gotta watch more Being Human Yeahnow.
-Yes, okay, it was basically an hour of plot, and an hour and a half of fight scenes. But it was called The Battle of Five Armies.
-The Academy Award for best actor goes to.... MARTIN FREEMAN! For being such an amazing actor, and making my heart bleed just a little. In a good way.
-There were definitely dumb parts. Like when Thorin got stabbed through the foot. Really? Was that necessary? Or most of Thorin's wigging out. Like when he started tripping balls over gold, I left to go to the bathroom. When I got back, he was still tripping balls.
Overall though, I thought it was a nice movie. Dramatic, in some places overdramatic, but I liked it. The scene at the end where Gandalf and Bilbo are sitting after the battle, and Gandalf starts cleaning his pipe? Uggh. So good.
I am going to miss that world. I know a lot of people don't like that Peter Jackson took a 100 page book and turned it into 9+ hours of film, but I liked it. So there. Pbbbbth.
Now, I'm going to go walk on the treadmil for a bit. Because nothing makes me want to work out more than watching beautiful people fight and run and jump for two and a half hours.
Thanks to Kylee, I now have groceries. And a meal plan. I've been freaking out about food/eating/not eating/blah blah blah, pre-Emily-Program goodness, and part of that was because my shelves were growing bare, and I didn't have any money to buy food. So she sat me down and said "we're making a meal plan." I picked 5 meals I wanted to make this week. They are as follows: -beef stroganoff (made it in the crock pot, it was delish!) -tacos (that's tomorrow) -veggie pasta -Max's soup (a.k.a chicken quesedilla soup that Max makes and is delish) -there was one more. i can't remember what it was. i'm sure it's also delicious. [edit: the final one was apple burgers. yuuuuus.]
Each one has enough for a dinner and leftovers for lunch, so I'm sorted. You have no idea how relieved I am to have this detail sorted for me. It seems trivial, but it was a giant gaping hole into which panic poured itself, so now its taken care of. Phew. Thanks Ky!
Up next: getting through the pile of books that all decided to come in at once. -The Scorch Trials -The 100 -The Infinite Sea -Lockdown: Escape from Furnace 1
Current Mood: relieved
Current Music:In and Out of Love - Armin Van Burren
Diane and I are going to spend New Years Eve drinking margaritas, playing video games, watching Miss Fisher, and yelling things off my balcony at midnight. Festive!
I hope you have lots of fun plans for New Years, but in case you don't, here's a list of possible suggestions.
-bang pots and pans together. -read a book. -Netflix. -go to a party. -throw a party. -throw things in general. -build a snowman and put a festive hat on it. -drive around with your windows rolled down and classical music turned all the way up. -tell someone you love them.
I spent a lovely long weekend with my sister. For Christmas, she gave me “paleo basics”, all the basic ingredients one needs to begin down the paleo cooking path. I’ve complained a lot over the years about being fat, about not eating right, about all sorts of health things, and a very large part of why that is (aside from genetics and laziness) is my lack of knowledge, and fear surrounding eating healthy. So Heather and I went into the kitchen, and created an easy, yummy, quick paleo dish – cabbage and ground beef with a tasty asian sauce. I can totally make that myself now! (This is a huge deal, trust me.)
We also sorted through my life. She encouraged me to make a list of things I want for my apartment. Unity Spiritual Center, the “church” I’ve been going to up in St Cloud, talks a lot about intentionality, about affirmations. Visualizing what you want to make it happen. (It’s, as my mom would call it, a hippie church. But my mom is a hippie, so it works out nicely.)
To that end, I shall make a list of things I want for my apartment.
1) A coffee table. (Right now, I am using an overturned laundry hamper. Real classy.)
2) A recycling bin with “self esteem” (i.e. NOT the paper bags I’m currently using.)
3) A comfy lounging chair for my balcony
4) A shower curtain.
5) A wok
6) A climby cat thing for Kanye.
Feel free to suggest other household essentials! I have a TV now, thanks to Heather and Dan’s gift of the extra one they had.
I'm considering making a wordpress. There is nothing wrong with LJ, really, except I've had this since high school, and most of my RL friends blog on wordpress. Plus there's the nifty "subscribe to email" feature which lets my words of wisdom be delivered to your inbox post haste. Maybe I'll do two?
Christmas is upon us, Dear Readers. I'm going out of my mind with financial stress. I'm headed back to my parents' place tonight, to eat spicy thai soup and pet the dog. Then tomorrow it's off with parentals, Sister, and Sister's Bearded Boyfriend to Grandma's house for presents and good food.
I already miss Kanye. He was super cuddly this morning, like he knew I was going away. Kitty Conceirge will be looking in on him, but still. What if they don't play with him? What if he eats through those two massive bowls of food I left out for him? What if the building gets hit by a rogue comet?
I have a personal victory to share with the class. It may not seem big, but to me, it's huge. Back when I lived with The Girls, I joined Anytime Fitness. You know, the tiny little 24 hour gym? Our apartment was right down the street from it. Except then I moved, and moved again, and stopped going to the gym. I wish I could blame it on the move. Mostly, it's due to my own laziness and dislike of working out in public. Apparently, Anytime Fitness auto-enrolls you after your term of membership is up, so here I am, two years later, still paying for Anytime Fitness which I haven't been to in ages. And that shit is expensive.
Today, I worked on my nerves, and called them and very politely told them I had to cancel, because my building has a gym. And you know what? They did it. No fuss. No cajoling. She was very friendly. I AM SO RELIEVED. That had been weighing on my mind for ages!
Now I just have to get the rest of my clusterfuck finances in order, and begin to actually save money, instead of bleeding it all over the place.
I was eavesdropping around the table at my company lunch at Green Mill this afternoon (hellooooo, delicious pizza), and someone mentioned that soon, the cacao bean will become no more. By the year 2020, we may not have chocolate. Ditto tomatoes from South America.
Is this true? According to The Atlantic, it's true, and we may as well all take off for the hills now, because a world without chocolate? Not worth living.
Good things about the week: -Been on the treadmill three times! Score! -Free pizza from el boss -party w/ Cirien tomorrow. -my hair looks good, even though I didn't put any product in it this morning -All my Christmas presents are almost wrapped -bacon -Kylee sent me 8 boxes of white fudge covered Oreos. There are now 7 boxes.
Not so great things: -I am super full right now. (See above: pizza.) -A half a tank of gas is supposed to last me through next week. Yeah right. -NO CHOCOLATE. -I'm durn tired, even though I slept 12 hours last night. I blame the food though.